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The 10 greatest tabloid newspaper headlines of all time!

A great headline is like catnip to the tabloid reading public. Drawing the reader into a world of sex and intrigue, crime and murder or occasionally downright silliness. Over the years there have been many classic clickbait headlines written by talented editors working for the Sun, the Daily Star or the ultimate fake news outlet, the Sunday Sport. We have gathered a few of our favourites for your enjoyment.

#10 I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard In Balls That I Tore A Tendon In My Foot

We have to go all the way back to July 2007 for this awesome headline. Printed in the Scottish Daily Record it tells the story of Alex McIlveen a Glasgow taxi driver, one of the first people on the scene during the terrorist attack at Glasgow airport. Besides helping to put out the burning jeep used by the Islamic terrorists he also managed to get a couple of shots in before the Police arrived. Let this story be a lesson to terrorists everywhere. If you are going to plan a terrorist attack, Glasgow really should be the last place you consider.

I Kicked Burning Terrorist So Hard In Balls That I Tore A Tendon In My Foot

#9 Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit In Head By Flying Dildo

What a stag party this must have been! First appearing in the Australian newspaper, NT News in February 2011 the unfortunate victim is Darwin architect Jure Skumavc. Having laid on the entertainment for his friend’s Peter Rolih’s stag do (buck’s party to you Aussies) Mr Skumavc fell foul of an exotic dancers party trick.

Best Man Left Bleeding After Being Hit In Head By Flying Dildo

Apparently the scantily clad dancer’s ‘piece de resistance’ is to shoot plastic dildos at the guests from between her legs. How strong her pelvic muscles have to be to draw blood from a guy’s forehead at a distance of 7 metres it is impossible to fathom, but by God, I want her telephone number!

#8 Diarrhea Of A Madman

This brilliant headline by the New York Daily News is a play on words from a short story by Russian author Nikolai Gogol – Diary of a Madman. This extremely ‘messy’ incident occurred in July 2016 in New York City. It relates to the actions of a deranged psychopath who went on a rampage in the upper east side throwing excrement at women. Described by NYPD cops as Public Enemy No 2 (because of course, he was) he threw poop in the face of one woman and followed this up by dropping a bag full of crap down the pants of another. Clearly a guy who has had all the crap he can take.

Diarrhea Of A Madman

#7 World War 2 Bomber Found On Moon

World War 2 bomber found on Moon has to be the ultimate ‘fake news’ story. This was one of the Sunday Sport’s tamer but nonetheless compelling headlines before they began trotting out ever more sick inducing clickbait titles such as ‘Sex With Tesco Value Lasagne Blistered My Bellend’.

World War 2 Bomber Found On Moon

#6 Zip Me Up Before You Go-Go

April 1998. Pop superstar George Michael arrested for committing a sex act in a public toilet. The headline refers to the smash-hit ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ released when he was still one half of pop duo, Wham. This was one of those headlines that capture the imagination. You can almost hear him singing the chorus as he gets his rocks off in some graffiti-laden cubicle. Gross!

Zip Me Up Before You Go-Go

#5 Britain’s Fattest Woman Ate Fridge And Died

Obviously this article which appeared in the Daily Star, October 2014 should not be taken literally. Forty stone Brenda Flanagan-Davies did not eat an actual fridge. She did eat the entire contents of that fridge though! Brenda who consumed an incredible 6000 calories a day had previously been warned by doctors to lose weight or die. Sadly her love of chocolate and fizzy drinks proved too much for her system to cope with and she died soon after being admitted to hospital. This proved to be a terrible loss for her husband Ronald Davies and an even bigger loss for Tesco’s.

Britain’s Fattest Woman Ate Fridge And Died

#4 Woman In Sumo Wrestler Suit Assaulted Her Ex-Girlfriend In Gay Pub After She Waved At Man Dressed As A Snickers Bar

Taken from the Irish Evening Herald in 2010, it is one of those rare headlines that make the actual reading of the article superfluous. Nothing more I can add to this headline that you won’t already have understood. A bizarre incident but completely true.

Woman In Sumo Wrestler Suit Assaulted Her Ex-Girlfriend In Gay Pub After She Waved At Man Dressed As A Snickers Bar

#3 Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious

This super headline comes courtesy of the Scottish Sun all the way back in February of 2000. It refers to a dramatic 3-1 loss by the mighty Celtic to Scottish cup minnows Inverness Caley Thistle (who?) Worse still it happened in their home stadium at Parkhead. One of the club’s most famous and embarrassing defeats. Tragically it led to the sacking of England footballing hero John Barnes as manager of Celtic. He was eventually replaced by Scottish legend Kenny Dalglish. Never mind John, you’ll always have the Maracana!

Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious

#2 Boris Sex Dwarf Drowns In Giant Trifle

This headline, taken from the Sunday Sport in July of 2016, simply has it all. A Conservative politician, sex, dwarves, drowning and one of the nation’s favourite desserts. Originally published just after Boris quit the race to become Prime Minister, a race which was eventually won by the dreadful Theresa May. ‘Boris sex dwarf drowns in giant trifle’ has to go down as one of the strangest and most eye-catching newspaper headlines of all time.

Boris Sex Dwarf Drowns In Giant Trifle

Referring to an incident that took place at a celebrity midget lookalike awards party (I kid you not!) Tiny Boris Johnson lookalike Mike Pinter allegedly got drunk on vodka after being crowned ‘Diddy Double of the Year’. He proceeded to fall into a giant five-foot deep mega trifle that had been made especially for the occasion. You really couldn’t make this up! Classic headline from the infamous Sunday Sport.

#1 Freddie Star Ate My Hamster

Probably the most famous newspaper headline of them all. ‘Freddie Starr ate my hamster’ is one of those headlines that are both bizarre and believable at the same time. Bizarre, because well, just read it. Believable, because it sums up the outrageous sense of humour that defined UK comedian Freddie Starr.

Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster

Freddie Starr was one of the UK’s best-loved comedians. An absolute legend, It is perfectly fitting that he will always be remembered for this headline in the Sun newspaper from March 1986.

This headline comes from an incident that occurred whilst Freddie was staying at the home of a friend. The story goes that he demanded his friend’s wife make him a sandwich. When she refused, Freddie allegedly grabbed their pet hamster put it between two slices of bread and ate it. The truth, of course, is that this exaggerated incident was used by Freddie’s publicist, Max Clifford to promote his upcoming UK tour. Nevertheless, this classic headline has to go down in publishing history as the greatest headline of all time.

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